I really am. I am either two ways about something: I love making plans to do something then fret and spend time wondering how I can get out of it; or, I loathe making plans and end up making a stupid choice in the end because I was too indecisive and shouldn’t be allowed to make rash decisions.
Story of my life.
I hate to admit it, but I will. I loved starting uni, and the beginning of each term when I could go full on Rory Gilmore and have a ‘legitimate’ excuse for spending £40 on stationary (not that I don’t already have a house teeming with unused pens and notepads). However, as the term progressed and either my insomnia or hypersomnia got the better of me, I found it harder and harder to stick to my class schedule. In my final year I was between 6-8 hours of classes a week AND I STILL MANAGED TO SKIP TWO OF EACH over a 12 week semester of course. Now I know looking back I wonder why I couldn’t just have forced myself to go, I probably did lose some marks here and there for non-attendance but the thrill I got from turning over in bed and going back to sleep was ridiculous. Then I remember the tiredness. It’s not an excuse, but the overwhelming, mind-numbing, soul-draining tiredness that made me fall asleep sitting up at various desks and start to dream while believing that I was still awake, is still such a problem for me that it’s now hard to imagine taking full time classes, constant homework, a part time job, and tutoring as well. I’m actually quite proud then of how I did survive it.
It does bother me, otherwise I wouldn’t be writing about it now, and it’s why I am the Coffee Queen. And when I go into super sleep mode at night and have wild and fantastical dreams it soothes the creative side of me and gives me such a boost that no caffeinated product on earth has yet managed to achieve. As such, it is mostly an issue on my days off from work, I’ve not been working a lot of hours the last few weeks so realistically I should be managing to get plenty of work done given that I’ve had plenty of off time. NOPE.
I set my alarm early, so I can get up and carpe diem but when it goes off, I have no idea what planet I’m on and flip my phone onto snooze and this routine can last for a couple of hours…. YES, A COUPLE OF HOURS! So that when I do finally remember I had a reason for getting up early, I’m groggy, my eyes are stinging with broken sleep, my head hurts and I feel blah. Plus it’s hours past the time I wanted to get up and I shuffle about like a zombie, caffeine having no effect on me at all.
It becomes a vicious circle, tired and sleepy –> lethargic –> the desire to crawl back into bed –> no creative energy to write or work/no urge to start –> feeling guilty that another day has passed with nothing done when this is my DREAM, DAMMIT!
I know this was something I mentioned in my goals list that I wanted to work on for this year but I’m trying to create a kind of Cheat Sheet of inspiration, things that no matter how tired or blah I am I’ll be sparked into action by reading them. Something that definitely helped recently was reading Shonda Rhimes, Year of Yes, that I spoke briefly about in the last post, I just finished it last night and it has had such a profound effect on me. I know I need to start living more YES and hiding away less. Blogging has helped a lot as well. I’ve had blogs before but then really lacked the focus of what I was trying to do with them or I was too nervous about certain people reading certain things, whereas now, I cleaned up my facebook so everyone still there can read or not read my posts but I have nothing to hide. I changed how I approach blog posts, not just travel, languages, writing, but everything all of me, all that is me. I can’t split myself off the way others can, no one interest really takes the lead over the others, they are all important to me and in different ways, at different times.
Anyway, as much as I’d like to say this blogging exercise has got my creative juices flowing again, I think it’s more the venti caramel coffee soya frappuccino next to me that’s done the trick. I’ll implore you once again to read Shonda Rhimes book (99p on kindle) and I’ll get back to writing my script that I’ve been procrastinating on for too long.
So in the last post I touched on the idea of those pesky New Year’s Resolutions we start the year with, often without enough determination to see us past the middle of January. Or when we mess up, we throw them out altogether, as unattainable and pointless. But here I’ve compiled my list of things I want to constantly work on and improve forever, not just in the new year and not just until I have a bad day and ‘mess up’.
- Work more effectively – This is a big one for me, I’m a terrible procrastinator and will find 127309274930 other things to do instead of just getting on with the one piece of work that I need to get done urgently. But it’s more than not procrastinating, it’s making proper use of actual working time. I’ll need to get the Forest App or use the Pomodoro technique to help me focus again. Otherwise I can spend five hours attempting to do something while really spending most of that time being distracted.
- Be more mindful – Ooh, that’s a buzzword. It’s not a cliche, but I need to spend more time being in the moment when I’m doing something. This goes back to me becoming too distracted with things. Like when I studied Photography all I wanted to do was French, and when I was back doing French I had all these ideas for things I could have done with the resources I had in my Photography course. Not being in the moment can definitely lead to problems of regret and getting one’s ass kicked by hindsight later on.
- Stop living in the past – It’s a bad habit but I’m not alone and now that I have admitted it to myself I know it’s something to be worked on. Instead of ‘I should have done this when X happened’, I need to admit that all that has happened has happened the way I let it happened and the only thing I can control now is now and the future. It’s important to learn lessons from the past and apply them to our current/future situations but not to dwell on them as if we can change them.
- Do more of what I enjoy – This is a no brainer, but how often do you go to bed at night and are bombarded with thoughts about all the things you meant to do today or wished you’d made time to do… or feel guilty for not having done it? Well, it happens to me quite a lot. And I’m not talking out there wild stuff like flying off to Belgium every weekend (oh, if only!) but simple things like spending some time crocheting my lovely blanket that I’ve not touched in months, or going back to refresh some Italian grammar, writing a new blog post, trying out a new recipe. Simple, but often overlooked, especially in the madness of the working week, it is as important as meditation and self-care, you need to do a little soul feeding as well.
- Stop biting my finger nails – Yeah, I know, ick! I used to do it when I was a nervous little kid, then in high school I started growing some of my nails (weak nails though) and fell out of the habit… Then I moved to Spain and with the shitstorm of nerves and anxiety that that brought, I found myself suddenly back to biting. I can’t stop and I need to, but still my nails break really easily and then we’re back to square one. I bought really nice nail polishes from Avon so I would stop, only thing is I hate painting my nails (shaky hands).
- Be more careful with diet/alcohol consumption and exercise – This one has pretty much dealt with itself since the new year began. I wrote before how I keep getting ill, so my diet has been stripped back so much. I haven’t felt much like drinking any alcohol, just had a couple of small, low alcohol beers and stopped before any pain could appear. I haven’t been to the gym… much or at all in 2018 but working retail has kept me moving and on my feet, but I am determined to get back in asap before I lose the benefits of my retail induced weight loss. In regards to exercise, I’m back at full fitness since my accident last April, my knees dead on are still very tender but everything else seems to be working smoothly (fingers crossed) and it’s just a matter of getting started back at it and KEEPING MOVING! Being still is one of my favourite hobbies and I know it’s not a good thing.
- Being more assertive and not listening to others’ opinions – I’ve spoke about this before, but my life is my own and I’m in charge of what I do, will do, should do. My opinions are valid and my choices are mine to make… I need to believe more in myself, my choices and accepting that they might differ greatly from what other people think. You can’t be a people pleaser.
Well, that’s a fairly comprehensive list of all that I want to work/focus on in the coming year. But believe me, it’s by no means an exhaustive list. I may add to it as the months go by, and might even give it its own page too to serve me as a reminder of what I want 2018 to be.
Who else has made plans, goals, or wants to see change in 2018? Let me know in the comments below.